Maybe I should research “signs of a mid-life crisis” just to be safe

Okay, I’ve got my blogging hoodie on-time to blog! Oh alright, it’s not actually a dedicated blogwriting hooded sweatshirt, but it’s cold down here in the basement.

The continuing saga of my burgeoning self-confidence keeps developing in strange and sometimes bizarre directions. Earlier today, for example, I did some sample questions from the LSAT (Law School Admission Test). For fun. Evidently, planning for a future of novel-writing, charity work, and political involvement isn’t daunting enough for the man with brand new confidence. To be honest, I have never considered studying law before, and I’m not sure why. I do love rules, and arguing about them. I don’t know if I am in any way serious about going to Law school, but it sure is fun to think ‘yeah I could do that. I could be a lawyer’. As this post’s title suggests, I am open to the possibility that this is a slightly early mid-life crisis (would 36 be too early for a mid-life crisis?). Then again, I don’t feel any kind of fear about my life passing me by, and I have no desire for a sports car or mistress.

For the longest time, I had no sense of the future in front of me. Everything was about the present and I lived in an almost entirely reactive mode of behaviour. It blew my mind when one day I realized that Max would be at school within 2 years and I would have the whole weekday to dedicate to my own pursuits. Suddenly I had a sense of the future and I could actually make plans that went past what I was going to make for dinner. And then, during the election, a local candidate mentioned that he was taking his son to vote for the first time, and suddenly the notion that in 15 years I could possibly run in an election of some sort and Max could vote for me popped into my head. I assume the next career aspiration will be either astronaut or ninja.

I remember a time when I was standing in his room, trying to rock him to sleep, and I thought I would never manage it. Now he’s three and sleeping all by himself through the night. During the early months of Max’s life, I couldn’t imagine doing anything more than just holding on and trying to keep it together. Now, as he gets older and more self-reliant, and we all get better and more efficient at the business of family life, I’m finding myself with a surplus of mental energy. We’re not exhausted by the end of the day any more. It’s a good but strange feeling to look around at 8:30PM and realize you’ve already finished everything you had planned to do that day. All of a sudden, you have idle hands and ill-advised fantasies of being a doctor lawyer ninja astronaut.

Upwards, Onwards, a little to the middle

(A call to action, or directions to where I’m itchy? Maybe both).

First, I would like to agree with my esteemed colleague from New Zealand Karyn who commented about sitting still and watching it all. There are a surprising number of personal growth moments that are currently springing up for me, and one of them is a real understanding of the power of patience. And like many life lessons, this one dawned on me as I watched a sweaty man swing a racket.

I was early for a squash match one evening, and I spent the idle time watching a small group of players who are much much better at the sport than I am. One of the three players on the court was clearly the best player, and he was making some shots that I thought were impossible without CGI assistance. He had real natural talent, and I honestly don’t think I could ever be that good. That’s alright, I’m realizing that a part of growing up and maturing is recognizing that you probably won’t be the Olympic athlete and astronaut who solves crime in his spare time, and that there are some things that you are not good at. Focus on the things you can do (and want to do) and have fun with the rest.

But the real revleation I had while watching Senor Squash play in front of me came from the long shots that landed at the back of the  court. Normally, I panic and swing at shots like  that with reckless abandon , and I get the kind of non-results you would expect. But this fellow did something very strange: he waited. There were moments that I was sure he had waited too long and  the ball was going to drop to the floor, but he would flick his wrist at the last second and make the shot. And the shots were good too. By waiting and planning his return volley, he could make a much better shot than a big lummox swatting madly at the ball. So, went into my squash game with a new theory to test. Did I make the shots like my secret, sweaty mentor had been making? No. Not at all. But, there was a small improvement in my game, and that’s good enough for me.

Now I’m trying to roll this patience plan out to the other areas of my life, specifically in my social interactions. My anxiety usually pushes me into being flustered and reacting badly,which makes my social anxiety even worse. So instead, I’m going to lay back a  little, and relax as I wait for my shot to come. I tried it out last night at a big , geeky gathering for bloggers and it did help. I also re-affirmed how much I love my own voice and my ideas, and if somebody’s going to listen, then I am going to talk. A Lot. And I am okay with that. You have been warned.

Walk it off, champ, walk it off

(Very brief background. Canadian election happened last night, and it broke my heart. Not going to dwell on it, but that’s the emotional palette I am painting with)

I’ve blogged about recovering from failure before, my belief that we grow and learn more from picking ourselves up from a fall than we would learn by avoiding the tumble in the first place. That sounds all well and good when you haven’t had a big loss in a while. When I’m staring a profound defeat in the face, though, I feel a wavering in my faith.  Maybe it would just be  better  to go with the flow, or maybe my standards and hopes for society are unreasonable and unachievable. I tend to have a hyperbolic reaction to challenging situations.

But when I think about the way I would have handled the possibility of defeat in my young’n’dumb days, I can see the world of great potential I close the door to when I hide from failure. If I don’t put myself out there to experience life, then the best parts of it will pass by as I hide in my bunker. And I won’t just rob myself of these opportunities by hiding. One of my duties as a dad is to be brave in the face of a sometimes scary world, and guide my little dude through these challenges to get to the truly wonderful parts of our  human existence.

And I do believe in the good of humanity. I believe we have to help each other, teach each other, and care for each other. I believe that we can both be prosperous and compassionate. No matter how bloody my nose gets, I will drag myself back to my feet and keep  going.

So it’s time to focus on the people around me. Time to remember how wonderful my family is, and to look forward to the great things we will encounter.  As Ani Difranco said in her song ‘As Is’:

“Cause when I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things”