Now with 17% less surliness

I had an irritatingly poor attitude yesterday that stood in the way of anything productive, digging its heels in and  braying angrily. A better night of sleep seems to have reduced this obstinacy, so I better squeeze in a post while I can. Be forewarned: I don’t have a theme or plan, so it’s going to ramble around.

First, the wife was right. Not that she isn’t usually right, with her common sense and general optimism, but she hit the nail on the head. She had been wondering the same thing that I had been, if all of these personal revelations I’ve been having are just symptoms of a mid-life crisis, so the title of the last post made her laugh. When we talked about it, she gave me a better explanation. What I’m going through right now is a sudden awareness of the things I could possibly achieve, and the opportunities that are out there for me. Most people have this kind of inspiration when they become adults, as they look at the choices of school and work with a lifetime ahead of them. At least, I hope most people have this feeling at some point, because it’s pretty cool. I just happen to be about a decade late,having spent my late teens and half of my twenties in a thick mental fog. With a lot of hard work and trial and error, the fog is pretty much lifted and I can dream of a future that extends past dinnertime.

Fun fact:most of Canada’s Prime Ministers assumed office around age 50, which means I have 14 years to become Prime Minister, if I want to. For the longest time I have bemoaned the years I lost to idleness and childish self-pity, but I’m now seeing just how much more time I have in front of me. It’s a lot. And instead of being afraid of the roadblocks and pitfalls that could happen and limiting my plans, I’m going to choose optimistic goals and roll with the punches.

Maybe I should research “signs of a mid-life crisis” just to be safe

Okay, I’ve got my blogging hoodie on-time to blog! Oh alright, it’s not actually a dedicated blogwriting hooded sweatshirt, but it’s cold down here in the basement.

The continuing saga of my burgeoning self-confidence keeps developing in strange and sometimes bizarre directions. Earlier today, for example, I did some sample questions from the LSAT (Law School Admission Test). For fun. Evidently, planning for a future of novel-writing, charity work, and political involvement isn’t daunting enough for the man with brand new confidence. To be honest, I have never considered studying law before, and I’m not sure why. I do love rules, and arguing about them. I don’t know if I am in any way serious about going to Law school, but it sure is fun to think ‘yeah I could do that. I could be a lawyer’. As this post’s title suggests, I am open to the possibility that this is a slightly early mid-life crisis (would 36 be too early for a mid-life crisis?). Then again, I don’t feel any kind of fear about my life passing me by, and I have no desire for a sports car or mistress.

For the longest time, I had no sense of the future in front of me. Everything was about the present and I lived in an almost entirely reactive mode of behaviour. It blew my mind when one day I realized that Max would be at school within 2 years and I would have the whole weekday to dedicate to my own pursuits. Suddenly I had a sense of the future and I could actually make plans that went past what I was going to make for dinner. And then, during the election, a local candidate mentioned that he was taking his son to vote for the first time, and suddenly the notion that in 15 years I could possibly run in an election of some sort and Max could vote for me popped into my head. I assume the next career aspiration will be either astronaut or ninja.

I remember a time when I was standing in his room, trying to rock him to sleep, and I thought I would never manage it. Now he’s three and sleeping all by himself through the night. During the early months of Max’s life, I couldn’t imagine doing anything more than just holding on and trying to keep it together. Now, as he gets older and more self-reliant, and we all get better and more efficient at the business of family life, I’m finding myself with a surplus of mental energy. We’re not exhausted by the end of the day any more. It’s a good but strange feeling to look around at 8:30PM and realize you’ve already finished everything you had planned to do that day. All of a sudden, you have idle hands and ill-advised fantasies of being a doctor lawyer ninja astronaut.

Upwards, Onwards, a little to the middle

(A call to action, or directions to where I’m itchy? Maybe both).

First, I would like to agree with my esteemed colleague from New Zealand Karyn who commented about sitting still and watching it all. There are a surprising number of personal growth moments that are currently springing up for me, and one of them is a real understanding of the power of patience. And like many life lessons, this one dawned on me as I watched a sweaty man swing a racket.

I was early for a squash match one evening, and I spent the idle time watching a small group of players who are much much better at the sport than I am. One of the three players on the court was clearly the best player, and he was making some shots that I thought were impossible without CGI assistance. He had real natural talent, and I honestly don’t think I could ever be that good. That’s alright, I’m realizing that a part of growing up and maturing is recognizing that you probably won’t be the Olympic athlete and astronaut who solves crime in his spare time, and that there are some things that you are not good at. Focus on the things you can do (and want to do) and have fun with the rest.

But the real revleation I had while watching Senor Squash play in front of me came from the long shots that landed at the back of the  court. Normally, I panic and swing at shots like  that with reckless abandon , and I get the kind of non-results you would expect. But this fellow did something very strange: he waited. There were moments that I was sure he had waited too long and  the ball was going to drop to the floor, but he would flick his wrist at the last second and make the shot. And the shots were good too. By waiting and planning his return volley, he could make a much better shot than a big lummox swatting madly at the ball. So, went into my squash game with a new theory to test. Did I make the shots like my secret, sweaty mentor had been making? No. Not at all. But, there was a small improvement in my game, and that’s good enough for me.

Now I’m trying to roll this patience plan out to the other areas of my life, specifically in my social interactions. My anxiety usually pushes me into being flustered and reacting badly,which makes my social anxiety even worse. So instead, I’m going to lay back a  little, and relax as I wait for my shot to come. I tried it out last night at a big , geeky gathering for bloggers and it did help. I also re-affirmed how much I love my own voice and my ideas, and if somebody’s going to listen, then I am going to talk. A Lot. And I am okay with that. You have been warned.