I’m scatterbrained and unsettled tonight so there is no promise of an enjoyable read. I wonder if I should even blog when I’m in some sort of funk.
Intellectually, I know none of my problems are unsolvable or unbeatable. The catch is that I’m running low on the will to keep fighting the seemingly endless cavalcade of roadblocks and interpersonal complications. Even setting up a simple weekly night of socializing and game playing turns into a ill-tempered battle of hurt feelings and unmet expectations.
In my youth spent being blissfully unaware and uninterested, I put little stock in the friendships around me. Some of them were truly disposable, fashioned out of a common desire to drink and watch our lives spiral into comfortable failure. The other friendships meant a lot to me, and still do, but the connection between us drifts further and further apart as the days pass.
And now that I want to be an example of strong, positive relationships to Max, I can’t manage any. I don’t know if my expectations are unrealistic, or if I’ve just been to self-absorbed. There is every chance that it’s natural to outgrow a friendship as your lives go in different directions, but your entire peer group? The last thing I want to teach Max is how to be an isolated introvert, but these days I just can’t seem to get any relationship right.
At least I’ve learnt this much: whenever I’m this sad, it’s very likely that I’m over-tired and a good night of sleep will take a lot of the gloom off of things. Here’s to restful slumber.
2 thoughts on “Painted myself into a corner”
For what it’s worth, I have shitty days, too, and worry about increasing isolation as I get older. Things have become easier as the kids have gotten older though, so maybe that’s worth considering. As Max requires a little less than 111% of your attention, and he becomes more mobile and capable, you’ll naturally start doing more stuff.
And speaking of socialization, are we on for Friday? You can always bring Max along on such outings, too…
Yes,we are still on for Friday. And aren’t we all afraid of isolation, either consciously or otherwise?