Did you read the title of this post and wonder “what the hell is he talking about? Are those even real words?” Well I don’t blame you. The whole sentence fragment sounds like nonsense.
But they are real terms, used to describe types, or ‘genres’ of Crime fiction. Normal people don’t describe books using genre classifications, but publishers and literary agents lust after them. So authors desperately trying to woo the industry and get it to pay them some sweet attention (and cold, hard cash) will shout out their genres to anyone who will listen.
My new book, Falstaff Gets Found, has a number of genre categories it could grease its way into. Crime? Yes. Detective? Yup. Thriller? I think so. Erotic? ….no, not unless you’ve got some really weird kinks and I do NOT want to know about it.
I’ve narrowed it down to either (or both) of the Crime subcategories of ‘Hardboiled’ or ‘Noir’. In part because I love the idea of these genres. Both came into existence in 20th century America, though you can always find an ancestral book or film from Europe that could be called the true start of the genre. Regardless, the two came into popularity in the U.S. of A.
Hardboiled was a product of the dirty thirties, the period between World War 1 and World War 2. It has tough men fighting against dirty criminals and corrupt cops. The hero takes his lumps, but ultimately he perseveres and saves the day.
Hardboiled man shoots the news. Who could blame him?
Noir emerged at the end of World War 2. It paints a world where no one is innocent, society is infested with liars, cheats and general scum. Even the heroes are flawed and morally questionable, trapped by their own weaknesses in a world that simply doesn’t care.
Driving in a Noir movie is dangerous stuff. Turn on a light, Robert!
To be honest, John Falstaff is a noir ‘hero’. He’s a coward, a junkie, and a liar who is hiding from his past and the guilt he can’t escape. He fails routinely, usually due to self-sabotage. And there are no good people in this story. Some aren’t that bad, but some are real stinkers.
And yet, these awful, miserable wretches keep trudging forward. They find solace with each other. Maybe, some day, they will find some grace. That’s the door I’m leaving open for John. I don’t know if he’ll ever step through it.
(I know I should keep my non-writing thoughts to myself, especially the spicy ones. My website should be gentle and kind, filled with posts that inspire people to buy my books. But I love my opinions: I LOVE THEM. Even though I do not research them, and I will change them at the drop of a hat. So if you’re put off by rash geo-polical rambling, please skip this post.)
After World War 2, there was a consensus in Western civilization that empires were inherently wrong, and would be relegated to the past. Europe as a whole had been in constant conflict between competing imperial powers for a couple thousand years. This was a chance to stop the cycle of military buildup, confrontation, and destruction, and they took it. Not that Europe had much choice. They graciously allowed the U.S.A. to be the guarantor of peace on the continent and they put aside their territorial grievances through complicated diplomacy instead of warfare.
Both sides of the political spectrum agreed to this change in perception. For example, the U.S. Right referred to the U.S.S.R. as the “evil empire” while the U.S. Left called all American interventionism “imperialism”. And for decades, that consensus has been dominant. (Imperialism was re-labeled Colonialism in recent years, but the sentiment is the same.) The U.S.S.R. collapsed under its own weight, the natural death spiral of all aging empires. And the former Western empires slowly divested themselves of their territories and colonies.
But there was a mistaken assumption that the negative perception of empires as outdated and wrong meant Imperialism was dead would be forgotten. The idea of empire in the West was alive but in a deep sleep. And in such sleep it dreamed darkly. The dream of empire surfaces into our collective consciousness occasionally. Remember when women on social media were astounded that men think about the Roman Empire frequently? Well they ain’t thinking about Rome because they love the look of togas. (Full disclaimer: I am one of those dudes that thinks about Rome almost every single day).
But the opponents of the West did not sleep. ISIS tried to build a multi-national caliphate, and continues to use horrifying, brutal violence around the world. Iran manipulates the Middle East via its murderous puppets like Hamas, Houthis and Hezbollah. Russia launched its bloody war on Ukraine, while working to undermine other Eastern European countries. Africa is in a continual upheaval as nations, tribes and religious factions fight for dominance. China took Tibet, and now looks to reclaim Taiwan.
This is the world that America finds itself in. My guess is that they are sincere when they talk about the imminent danger posed by China. And in a scenario that has the U.S. in direct conflict with China, there is currently a possibility that the U.S. loses. They don’t have the capacity to rapidly scale up their ammunition and war machine production to match China’s massive manufacturing advantage.
And now they have a presidential administration that rejects the established political consensus. They feel like their allies take them for granted, and are more liability than asset. These U.S.’s “allies” have let their own militaries atrophy, spending the bare minimum on national defense while talking about how important they are to America. Europe should have been building their armies over the last 4 decades, but it was easier to let it slide and assume America would save them. Every flavour of Canadian politician has underfunded the Canadian Armed forces, despite being told time and time again by every American administration that we needed to start pulling our weight.
So they are taking matters into their own hands. The tariffs are meant to force reshoring of manufacturing and self-sufficiency. They believe that Greenland is a strategic asset that would be beneficial to be under control of America, as an example. They don’t care that you think empires are bad. In a speech about space exploration, Trump used the phrase “manifest destiny”. This is the belief that America has the right to expand and take over the continent and beyond. In other words: an empire.
I don’t want you to mistake this half-baked analysis as a glowing endorsement for America’s actions. Everything the Trump admin does is sloppy, rushed, and needlessly cruel. I don’t think the tariffs will work, and the will cause a lot of financial pain across the globe. But its unhelpful to think all of these decisions are being made on a whim to suit the demented dreams of one crackpot. There is a vision behind it all, and that vision is shared by all the people involved in the Executive branch.
As an aside, the China threat theory explains some of the harshness towards Canada. Canada has a worrying inability to free itself from Chinese government influence and interference. We have illegal Chinese police stations, voter/citizen intimidation, and thriving Chinese organized crime syndicates that include Fentanyl production and distribution in their portfolio. Our Federal government has been alarmingly resistant to addressing these issues. Add to that our lax border control and inability to keep track of non-citizens in our country, and you can see why America doesn’t see us as their super-best friend anymore.
That’s right, audience, I’ve got a brand new book for you to read and enjoy. PLEASE NOTE: this is a detective thriller novel meant for mature cool cats like you. Do not let children/overly sensitive neurotics read Falstaff Gets Found. Its full of nasty words and dirty deeds. Murder, even!
To give you a better idea of what this thing is about, here’s the back of the book summary for you:
“John Falstaff is dying in the dirt of a Las Vegas scrapyard when The German gives him a job: find the gangbang killer. Reluctantly, Falstaff agrees as his heart stops beating.
Falstaff is no hero. He never wanted to be a detective. He cannot fight. His only true love is whatever dope he can get his hands on. He alternates between running from responsibility and running face first into trouble. But he has two tricks up his sleeve. He can withstand an astounding amount of physical abuse, making him very hard to kill. And he can read the dirty little secrets written all over your face. If only he could keep his big mouth shut.”
Exciting? DARN TOOTING. And this is only the first book in the series. Get on board now, and look forward to 7 more stories (give or take) featuring our favourite walking disaster, John Falstaff.
If you would like a physical copy and you’re near me, I will directly sell you a copy of the book for $15, which is $10 less than the Amazon Mega-corp will charge you. Take that, Jeff Bezos! Just contact me through the various methods and we’ll set things up.